take me out: the first days of summer

i dont know what i want
but i know it's not you
keep pushing and pulling me down
i dont know what i want
but i know in my heart it's not you.

wake up in the wrong place at the wrong time. i've been sleeping on the couch instead of my bed, too. i actually like waking up on the couch, because i wake up to the sun shining on my face. it's a lovely feeling.

went to the arboretum today with a friend. he's a good guy, from what i can tell. not that i was ever a good judge of someone's character-- i think everyone is a good person, essentially. even when they try their hardest to convince me of otherwise. anyway, it was lovely. i counted eight frogs (did you know that they can hear/feel/sense you coming from seven feet away?) and turtles. one was sunbathing on a log. how lovely would it be to just float around in the water, to come out again for a quick snack and some sun, and then to go back to floating? i was jealous.

he told me he didn't believe in love. the exact wrong thing to say. sometimes i think love is the only thing i believe in. but then he said a lot of things he then contradicted. he liked to argue and disagree with everything i said... which in a weird way made me feel like he was trying to impress me.

how is it that you know the second you meet someone that you'll never get along? that you're either too different or too similar to connect. or maybe i'm just cold, and judgmental. i dont think id be able to tell, because i certainly dont feel that way at all.

and why do i find myself pining over people i knew would never be good for me in the first place? there seems to be a lot of that, lately. it's like i suddenly miss all these people and wish we could be friends... even though i know for a fact that i was mostly unhappy with them?

spent time with a good friend of mine. it was nice to catch up. also a reminder of all the bad decisions ive made in my life. it's so weird, how things work out. sometimes youre on a collision course, and you dont even know it.

took a test for this job i want... i hope i get the job. keep your fingers crossed for me.

i have a lot of hopes, and wishes, and dreams for this summer.
i hope i make new friends and keep up with the old ones.
i hope i find whatever it is im looking for... or i at least figure out what that is.
i hope i can relax, spend time doing the things i actually enjoy (like writing).
i hope i can keep up this blog.
i hope i learn something new... right now it's spanish, and maybe italian.
i hope i go somewhere interesting.
i hope i truly enjoy life, at least for the time being.
i hope i find more reasons to smile and laugh than i do to cry, to yell, to be angry, to be frustrated.

it's not an extensive list.

peace,
jv

[i want to be faithful, but i can't keep my hands out of the cookie jar]