don't look back, you can never look back: a day in the life, and some other stuff

if i don't say this now, i will surely break.

memories are funny things. they seem to pop into your mind out of nowhere. the first few bars of a song. the smell of meatloaf baking in the oven. the smile of a stranger. sometimes you dive into memories headfirst, for hours, and then lock them up again into your heart, to save for the next time.
[oh wait, am i the only one who does that?]

let's rewind. because, i have an anecdote that i've been turning over in my head but haven't been able to really understand.

it's midway through last semester. just before spring break. im failing school*, and i'm completely broke, and im completely distracted by this boy whose name i wont mention. he's cute, and he makes me laugh. now, at this point i haven't realized that i'm failing school, or that i'm broke. the realization comes later. so really, i'm just spending my time with this cute boy who makes me laugh, oblivious to the world passing me by. i refuse to give anyone my heart, but it feels so nice to laugh for once, and i feel so free. and he's fun, and life is fun again and i forget that i'm not writing and that i don know where exactly i want to go, because i'm too busy laughing.
*although i ended up scraping through just fine, no worries

i feel him getting distant suddenly, but i try to ignore it, until aforementioned realization hits me-- that's right, i can't make rent and in a complete fml moment i realized that not only was i doing terribly in school, i walked into the class i was doing worst in only to find out that there was a paper due... one that i had apparently no prior knowledge of. yes, i know. fml. at some point, i started to laugh, it was so ridiculous. it was one of those beautiful days, sunny and warm. everyone is on campus, walking around, talking and laughing... and everything comes crashing down, as it tends to do. suddenly i wonder what i'm doing here, anyway. is this what i want? why am i so bored with my life, anyway? etc., etc.

[insert nervous breakdown numero one of the day, but i'll spare the details.]

suffice it to say that i've had it with everything, and just because i've had it with everything i've had it with said boy and his distance. confrontation time (the coward's way, of course: text message)

apparently there's nothing wrong? at least that's the response i get. i still sense an enormous gulf between us, but i can't quite get my head around it. i let it go, supposing that it's rather possible i'm overreacting. i breathe, calming myself. he told me that he missed me the day before, anyway. he's probably busy.

wrong.

i sign onto facebook when i get home, and it's kind enough to inform me that he's in a relationship. which is just so stupid and pathetic, and so is my reaction. why do i even care?
the rest comes back to me in a jumble of emotions and words. "it was the hardest decision i ever made" he says. my stomach heaves, and i throw up in the bathroom. why do i care? "i didn't want to be that boy" he says. what boy? why do i care? the room is spinning, the tears never-ending. "your view on relationships is twisted." wait, i'm twisted? but this, this isn't? my stomach heaves again, but i have nothing left to give. i crumple to the floor. my vision wavers, and i never run out of tears. it's been a bad day. i have a paper to write, and it's already late.


i won't forget you. at least, i'll try.