i am trapped in a life i never wanted to live

and i need an escape.

as the wheel turns: my losing streak is done

the wheel turns... what does that even mean? i did some quick online google-searching, and found out that the original saying has to do with something very much like the modern-day, commonly accepted concept of karma-- or "what goes around comes around." the saying the wheel turns has to do with punishment, meaning that the bad things in life happen to you for a reason. it's tied to the religious belief that all people inherently suck. haha, just kidding. (kind of?)

anyway, that's not how i see it. for me, the wheel turns means simply that your time will come. that life is up, and life is down but when you're at the bottom have faith that on the next turn you'll catch a ride on up.




and as we all know from the doorknob in alice in wonderland one good turn does deserve another.





but i think that the prospect of ending up at the bottom again is what makes being at the top so worth it. enjoy it while you can, because it won't always be like this. don't take it for granted. enjoy it. you won't always be young, you might not always be free and beautiful and happy. bad things might happen. bad things might be happening now. but enjoy the things that you do have. enjoy your imagination, your propensity for belief in the inherent goodness of people, enjoy the people around you, who make you laugh.

because everybody needs somebody sometimes

that was my goal for the summer, and although it's by no means over, i think i'm doing a fairly good job.

which brings me to my long-awaited, much-needed post about camping.

[although interlude for my thursday night jail/bail experience. things i learned? cops can arrest you for whatever they want. they can hold you for some period of time for no reason at all, bail amounts for doing nothing are slightly ridiculous and my roommate is pretty hardcore considering if it had been me i would have broken down and sat in a corner and cried or something.]

but we made it through that night, and suddenly i was floating...

and even recalling the experience a week and a half later feels like trying to recall a dream after you've shaken the groggy sleepiness, gotten up, dressed, and on with your day. beautiful, but gosh, could that have been real?

you'd think getting really, really sick would have helped bring me back to reality. but for once in my life, it seems like i can only remember the good parts of camping, and all the bad parts just fade away, like maybe they were the real dream. i feel like it was my sneak-peek at paradise, so i would remember that if only i keep going, someday i'll be there, for real. and in all honesty, it worked.

now if only i could believe that all the time.

attractive people, mostly because it was fun to "research"

so just for kicks, and because it's about that time (and because we were discussing it at work) i decided that i wanted this blog to be about beauty. and what better way to discuss beauty than with (that's right, you guessed it) a list of the celebrities/actors/writers/singers/etc. that I find most attractive?

this may or may not have something to do with my growing addiction to those stupid top 40 countdowns on VH1...

so anyway, here goes: [although in no particular order]

ewan mcgregor:

i've been secretly in love with ewan mcgregor since moulin rouge. how could anyone disagree?


plus, who doesn't love a man in a kilt?

angelina jolie: okay, so angelina jolie tends to annoy the hell out of me. but even i can't deny that there is something about her that just exudes sensuality. it's like she can't even help it.



kiera knightley: i must say, i have a woman-crush on keira knightley. i think she's absolutely beautiful, in that sort of adorable quirky little way.

of course, sometimes i just want to give her a sandwich... yikes.

zachary quinto: okay okay, anyone who knows me know that as a result of the new star trek movie im officially in love with spock. but no, it's just zachary quinto... look at this man.


rupert grint:

give me ron weasley over harry potter ANY day

boris kodjoe:

'nuff said

brandon flowers: (because nothing is more attractive than the killers' singer....)

except... (you guessed it)

brandon flowers with eyeliner:

okay, so maybe i have a problem. but i think guys in eyeliner are oddly attractive.

alan rickman:
why? because he's freaking 63 and still looks pretty adorable, in that out of touch, lost, old guy sort of way. yeah, apparently im a sucker for that?

jonathan rhys myers: do you have to ask why? he's irish, first of all. second of all, he has green eyes and dark hair. third of all, he has this intense gaze that just throws you off-guard.... yeah, through the television screen.
and while we're talking about those hot, intense gazes....
john mayer: a hottie who can sing too? and write his own music? how could you NOT fall in love?

not to mention his whole free-spirit i can't be tied down thing he has going on...

sorry jennifer aniston. :(

freida pinto: this woman is just gorgeous. plain and simple. you want to hate her for being so gorgeous but you can't. slumdog millionaire was a good movie because she was in it. i'm serious.
craig from degrassi (also known as jake epstein): okay, i cant help it. the troubled, intense, emo kid with pretty eyes? that's all i need...

chris pine: because what can i say? boy is fiiiinneee. as im sure half of the population of the world would agree.
kerry washington: i've always thought she looked so clean and fresh and natural and beautiful. but then i saw her in common's i want you video, and she won my heart. move over, alicia keys. kerry washington is in the building.
leonardo nam: random attractive asian kid in the sisterhood of the traveling pants movies.
eva langoria:for the longest time i was convinced she was the most beautiful woman in all the world. then i saw the tabloid pictures of her without makeup... can you say nightmares?
however, with makeup on and face fully intact, eva langoria is absolutely one of the most attractive women in the world.


keri hilson: so in the knock you down video, she's gorgeous. google her, and not so much. but she gets the vote because i love her pants in this picture. lol
penn badgley: intense gaze? check. tall, dark and handsome? check, check, check.
leighton meester: ive always been jealous of her. she's so beautiful, although she's another actress who could stand to put on a couple pounds.
chace crawfordi'm beginning to become convinced that the cast of gossip girl was chosen entirely based on how freaking gorgeous they are.

scarlett johansson

need i say more, really?

will smith: so i think that i'm really more attracted to his personality more than anything, but i must say that as will smith's acting career has evolved.... so has his body. yumm.
leonardo dicaprio....because i HAD to. i've had a crush on this boy since before i was old enough to have crushes on boys.

AND last, but [most certainly] not least.....

michael cera. why? because he's the ultimate, most adorable, nerdy boy ever. and i like nerdy boys. it's a condition. i'm admitting it. deal with it. and i'd like to echo leslie simon here when i say that i'm determined to stalk him until he marries me-- or he's forced to get a restraining order. whichever happens first.

drink my worries down the drain and fly away to somewhere new

black lace. mascara running. i dyed my hair red on a whim and im not sure how i feel about anything.

i've been letting my emotions flow out all over the place. to people who probably don't need them.

im good luck chuck. but worse. because he wasn't as much of a basket-case as i am. ugh.

i think this being alone must have something to do with growing up.

but i would give ANYTHING to have my little sister here, with me.

ps i have like seventy half-finished blog entries in progress. im just gonna finish em, now. at least some of them.

lets catch a plane to barcelona, cause this city's a drag.

don't look back, you can never look back: a day in the life, and some other stuff

if i don't say this now, i will surely break.

memories are funny things. they seem to pop into your mind out of nowhere. the first few bars of a song. the smell of meatloaf baking in the oven. the smile of a stranger. sometimes you dive into memories headfirst, for hours, and then lock them up again into your heart, to save for the next time.
[oh wait, am i the only one who does that?]

let's rewind. because, i have an anecdote that i've been turning over in my head but haven't been able to really understand.

it's midway through last semester. just before spring break. im failing school*, and i'm completely broke, and im completely distracted by this boy whose name i wont mention. he's cute, and he makes me laugh. now, at this point i haven't realized that i'm failing school, or that i'm broke. the realization comes later. so really, i'm just spending my time with this cute boy who makes me laugh, oblivious to the world passing me by. i refuse to give anyone my heart, but it feels so nice to laugh for once, and i feel so free. and he's fun, and life is fun again and i forget that i'm not writing and that i don know where exactly i want to go, because i'm too busy laughing.
*although i ended up scraping through just fine, no worries

i feel him getting distant suddenly, but i try to ignore it, until aforementioned realization hits me-- that's right, i can't make rent and in a complete fml moment i realized that not only was i doing terribly in school, i walked into the class i was doing worst in only to find out that there was a paper due... one that i had apparently no prior knowledge of. yes, i know. fml. at some point, i started to laugh, it was so ridiculous. it was one of those beautiful days, sunny and warm. everyone is on campus, walking around, talking and laughing... and everything comes crashing down, as it tends to do. suddenly i wonder what i'm doing here, anyway. is this what i want? why am i so bored with my life, anyway? etc., etc.

[insert nervous breakdown numero one of the day, but i'll spare the details.]

suffice it to say that i've had it with everything, and just because i've had it with everything i've had it with said boy and his distance. confrontation time (the coward's way, of course: text message)

apparently there's nothing wrong? at least that's the response i get. i still sense an enormous gulf between us, but i can't quite get my head around it. i let it go, supposing that it's rather possible i'm overreacting. i breathe, calming myself. he told me that he missed me the day before, anyway. he's probably busy.

wrong.

i sign onto facebook when i get home, and it's kind enough to inform me that he's in a relationship. which is just so stupid and pathetic, and so is my reaction. why do i even care?
the rest comes back to me in a jumble of emotions and words. "it was the hardest decision i ever made" he says. my stomach heaves, and i throw up in the bathroom. why do i care? "i didn't want to be that boy" he says. what boy? why do i care? the room is spinning, the tears never-ending. "your view on relationships is twisted." wait, i'm twisted? but this, this isn't? my stomach heaves again, but i have nothing left to give. i crumple to the floor. my vision wavers, and i never run out of tears. it's been a bad day. i have a paper to write, and it's already late.


i won't forget you. at least, i'll try.

take me out: the first days of summer

i dont know what i want
but i know it's not you
keep pushing and pulling me down
i dont know what i want
but i know in my heart it's not you.

wake up in the wrong place at the wrong time. i've been sleeping on the couch instead of my bed, too. i actually like waking up on the couch, because i wake up to the sun shining on my face. it's a lovely feeling.

went to the arboretum today with a friend. he's a good guy, from what i can tell. not that i was ever a good judge of someone's character-- i think everyone is a good person, essentially. even when they try their hardest to convince me of otherwise. anyway, it was lovely. i counted eight frogs (did you know that they can hear/feel/sense you coming from seven feet away?) and turtles. one was sunbathing on a log. how lovely would it be to just float around in the water, to come out again for a quick snack and some sun, and then to go back to floating? i was jealous.

he told me he didn't believe in love. the exact wrong thing to say. sometimes i think love is the only thing i believe in. but then he said a lot of things he then contradicted. he liked to argue and disagree with everything i said... which in a weird way made me feel like he was trying to impress me.

how is it that you know the second you meet someone that you'll never get along? that you're either too different or too similar to connect. or maybe i'm just cold, and judgmental. i dont think id be able to tell, because i certainly dont feel that way at all.

and why do i find myself pining over people i knew would never be good for me in the first place? there seems to be a lot of that, lately. it's like i suddenly miss all these people and wish we could be friends... even though i know for a fact that i was mostly unhappy with them?

spent time with a good friend of mine. it was nice to catch up. also a reminder of all the bad decisions ive made in my life. it's so weird, how things work out. sometimes youre on a collision course, and you dont even know it.

took a test for this job i want... i hope i get the job. keep your fingers crossed for me.

i have a lot of hopes, and wishes, and dreams for this summer.
i hope i make new friends and keep up with the old ones.
i hope i find whatever it is im looking for... or i at least figure out what that is.
i hope i can relax, spend time doing the things i actually enjoy (like writing).
i hope i can keep up this blog.
i hope i learn something new... right now it's spanish, and maybe italian.
i hope i go somewhere interesting.
i hope i truly enjoy life, at least for the time being.
i hope i find more reasons to smile and laugh than i do to cry, to yell, to be angry, to be frustrated.

it's not an extensive list.

peace,
jv

[i want to be faithful, but i can't keep my hands out of the cookie jar]

everything's right tonight

counting down the days until summer officially begins: 16

i'll continue to be my own worst enemy, running as fast as i can.

at least my life is better than this guys...

when my family visits i feel so comfortable, because it's so nice to know that there are people who know just how weird i am, and love me anyway.

"i dont know if i'm ready for this."
"what is 'this'?"
being open. being hurt. liking. not being liked. seeing the flicker on. seeing the flicker off. leaping. falling. crashing.

all in all, it was a good weekend. hanging with my roommates' moms was great, and i think i gained some insight into what i want from life. i guess i can't go through life ignoring the future. i want to figure out what i want, before i'm so far away from it i can never go back.

i dont want to be the person who causes trouble in other people's lives. i hope that whatever happened had nothing to do with me.

i want to go somewhere different. i feel like even the things that i've been thinking will make me happy are not what i really want. i just want to smile, and feel lovely.

and laugh at inside jokes with my sibs. :)

a mish-mash of events, both fortunate and unfortunate

open up your heart, and you'll find the sky is yours

him: i wish you could feel my heart beat right now. you and only you.
me: that's so sweet. is that from something?
him: yeah, my heart to yours.

even when it doesn't really matter, it's so nice when people say the right thing. you can close your eyes and imagine whatever you want.

i need to break out of this new habit i seem to have picked up, this finding the one guy in the world who is a complete jerk and seeing all the good in him. it's nice on paper. cool in my stories, even, although not all the bad guys can have deep dark pasts that explain away every little thing they've done wrong. not so good on my heart.

today i was brave and talked to someone. which normally doesn't require any bravery at all, only he's different. i was outrageous, by my standards. i don't even know where this is coming from.

last night walking up to my house i saw a gray cat. he came when i called, and let me pet him. it made me sad, and i wanted to take him home. i miss you, lucky.

Library Books, Twitter, Disappointment: the internet is sucking my life away

It's been an interesting month. Actually, it's been an interesting year. I never stop surprising myself. This is going to be short, mainly because I have somewhere to be in twenty minutes, and I have a lot on my mind and I'm not sure I have time to get to all of it.

Keeping up a blog is not going to be easy, but I think it will give me discipline. At the very least, it will give the internet another piece of my soul to store away. Whatever happened to real life, anyway?

JV